


Anything

by KellynKupcake



Series: Tumblr Prompts [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, M/M, PTSD, Post-War, Self Harm, Suicide, trigger warnings apply
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-11 06:53:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11143149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KellynKupcake/pseuds/KellynKupcake
Summary: The boys speak bluntly for the first time since the war. Reassurance is finally offered.





	Anything

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: write everything you want, very angsty, illness, war, post war, everything you want!
> 
> Please excuse any typos! I did proof read but I'm quite sick today and don't have a beta!

Kakashi’s hand trailed slowly over the wooden table. The damp washcloth under his palm cooling the burn he had acquired earlier while preparing their dinner. His eyes wandered absently as the mundanity of the task dawned on him. He hated cleaning, but he also hated mess. During his life his dislikes cancelled each other out constantly until he forced himself to succumb to whichever was easier. As an adult he had learnt to clean as he went, making his life considerably more enjoyable.

Tenzo smiled at him from his place on the couch, tired eyes glazed as they made contact, his stomach pleasantly full and his mind drained. Kakashi smiled back briefly, before his eyes returned to the table under him.

Technically it was Tenzo’s night to cook. He realised as he turned to wash the rag in the sink. But it had been a long time now since those days. Back before the war when things were relatively normal. They would squabble over whose turn it was, regularly trading favours for the chance to sit down after a beautiful meal and not have to clean up. It all seemed irrelevant now. Kakashi thought as warm water ran streams over his hand, irritating his burn.

He would gladly cook and clean for the rest of his life if it meant that Tenzo was here with him.

He would never in his life forget the moment that he had been told Tenzo was missing. The moment his world caved in around him, his head swirling and the anguish deep in his gut as he nodded and outwardly projected the fact that he was fine. Looking out into a sea of faces, shinobi, soldiers. That he was the leader of and wondering how he would ever manage to take another step unassisted when his beloved was gone.

He shook his head slightly, the thoughts dissipating on their own as he slowed his quickened breath. Hand clutching desperately at the sink in front of him as he forced his eyes to focus on something here in this room. He ran his tongue along the top of his mouth, swallowing and remembering the taste of dinner as he exhaled slowly. Over the years he had eventually learnt the signs of an impending panic attack and at the age of 30 was finally able to dispel them if he was fast enough. It didn’t work all of the time, but enough. Enough to hold on to the lie that he was stable, that he was okay, that he was worthy.

He straightened as if nothing had happened, continuing with the dishes in an attempt to distract himself from where he knew his mind was headed.

It was no secret that Tenzo had been suffering since the war. Experiencing his own renewed version of PTSD much more severe than that he suffered as a child. While the rest of Konoha’s soldiers were fighting, he was being tortured underground, just out of reach.

Kakashi had been taking care of him to the best of his ability. Knowing the pain his lover was in all he wanted to do was help to stop it. Unfortunately for him knowing how the pain feels doesn’t mean knowing how to end it. If he knew those secrets he would not have been suffering for so long himself.

Regardless of if this was new to him or not Tenzo seemed to be handling it differently to Kakashi. Looking forwards and putting his experiences in a positive light. He would be ready for active duty again soon. Something that scared Kakashi to no end. He had almost lost his lover once. He wasn’t keen on the idea of feeling those emotions again. The anxiety that came with Tenzo leaving on his own.

_And he would be on his own…_

He thought to himself sadly; his thoughts shifting to the heaviest burden on his shoulders of late. Tsunade was expecting him to take over her post. He suspected that she held back from bringing it up as much as she wanted to out of respect for his post-war grieving. But she had been hounding him recently, weary of her own position and wanting to pass the torch.

It was an honour to become Hokage. Everyone knew that. But he didn’t want that particular torch. He had never strived for this to be his endgame. He lived for the mission, for protecting the village with his strength, not through piles of paper work.

The Jonin sighed aloud, feeling heaviness settle in his gut as he thought about the repercussions of turning down the position. It wasn’t really an option, but he liked to think it was, if only to stave off the nervousness for another few days.

How could he really protect anyone anyway? He wondered absently, his eyes flicking to the side to roam over his tired lover’s frame.

He hadn’t been able to protect Tenzo during the war. He hadn’t been able to protect anyone… In fact he had caused that war. His failed promise to Obito sparking a worldwide conflict that took thousands of lives.

Minato and Kushina… Had he kept his promise and let Rin live they would not have had to die. Naruto would have been born in to a happy young family and no one else would have lost their loves ones in the Nine Tails Attack either.

These thoughts had all been too much for him on that first night back in the village. Lying in the infirmary on his own, staring at the ceiling and wondering why out of all the people in the world he was chosen to live through it all. To be the one that suffered.

He supposed he deserved it for all the wrong he had done. He had decided as the kunai they had failed to take from him, slit his wrists slowly; deliberately.

He apologised so many times for not being stronger. For giving up and trying to let go instead of staying around to bare the pain of his mistakes any longer. He couldn’t live in this world any more. Not when nearly every precious person he had was gone. Not when his most precious person of all wasn’t with him anymore due to his own failure.

Sakura had found him. Glassy green eyes looming over him as he woke up and realised he was still stuck here. He had been confused, he had taken every precaution. But they had still managed to save him. He supposed now it was stupid to try and do something to selfish in a hospital of all places. But the pain had gotten the best of him. He worried if he returned home he would chicken out. He was always so afraid of dying alone. But knowing that his special someone would be on the other side to greet him had given him all the courage he needed.

As it turned out, Sakura had come to find him in the middle of the night. Excited to tell him that they had found Tenzo alive and well. An unnamed Jonin stumbled across him by chance, buried under a thin layer of rubble and had physically dragged his unconscious body back to the village.

He hadn’t believed her words at first. Thinking them a cruel trick to tie him to the world of the living. Until she had taken him to see for himself, the wounds on his wrists already healed by her, the only person to know his secret shame.

He had never told Tenzo what he had done. Not wanting to burden the other man even further with the knowledge that he could not live without him. It remained a secret between himself and Sakura. He suspected that perhaps Tsunade knew as well, which was why she was pushing so hard to get him in to a desk job and off the field.

He looked over at his lover once more, his body slumped lazily in to the corner of the couch as he flicked through a book he had bought earlier in the day. He obviously felt the other man’s gaze, looking up and meeting his eyes before smiling softly once more. Kakashi smiled back, unable to muster more than that before returning to his chore.

Tenzo frowned as the other man turned away. He had been taking special note of his lover’s behaviour the last few weeks. Taking the opportunity while he himself was unwell to assess Kakashi when he least expected it. He could see the signs of mental fatigue every time he looked to his partner’s face. His tired eyes never shone like they used to.

Tsunade had been pressuring him of late to take up the Hokage position. But he knew that inside that was not something Kakashi wanted, whether he stated it or not. If he was being honest it was not something Tenzo himself wanted either. The only upside Kakashi seemed to be able to see about taking the job was being able to assign his loved one’s missions. Being the first to know as soon as they arrived home and generally nosing in to their lives to make himself feel better. He was not looking forward to Kakashi being the one that assigned his missions. Even if he never went back to the ANBU and stayed on as Team 7’s leader he knew Kakashi would make it his own personal task to dictate which missions they did and did not take out of fear of losing them. Or more specifically him.

He felt he should probably be flattered that his life meant so much to his lover. But he was not someone that liked being coddled. He had personally found it difficult this last year being a part of team 7 purely because with Kakashi as his superior he felt he was not being allowed to reach his full potential. Something that Kakashi was not holding him back from on purpose, he was sure.

Regardless of whether Kakashi took the Hokage post or not Tenzo found himself itching to get back to active duty. He hated all the sitting around. He had already read several books in the last few weeks and wasn’t really interested in starting any more. He needed work to keep him interested, to make him feel alive.

He knew Kakashi didn’t want him to return to active duty. But this was nonnegotiable in his mind. He was going to sooner rather than later. He was getting better every day, more and more mentally stable as time moved on. He had gotten a small glimpse of Kakashi’s past suffering with his own bout of PTSD and he had hated every second of it. Choosing instead of wallowing and thinking of death to live life to its fullest and love to its end. He was ready to get out and experience things. Being held up inside their apartment was torture for him.

A sad smile crossed his features as he felt guilt slowly start to ebb in to his stomach. He knew how much Kakashi was enjoying it and felt he should probably at least try to relish the time off together as well.

His thoughts were interrupted as the man in question slipped slowly on to the couch next to him. Having finished the dishes he wiped his hand on his sweat pants as he pulled his legs up to cross them underneath himself. He exhaled through his nose, somewhere between a sigh and a moan as he leant back in to the cushy fabric.

“Are you just gunna read?” he asked softly, dark eyes flicking towards the forgotten book Tenzo still held in one hand. Tenzo turned it over slowly, thinking for a minute before shaking his head and inching himself closer to his partner.

“I thought we could talk.” He said in a way that left no room for argument. Something flittered across the other man’s face briefly before he schooled it to his usual, bored, neutral expression.

“Hmm?” He hummed in a noncommittal manner. The question unmistakeable for someone that knew him so well.

“What’s on your mind?” The brunette asked, placing his book on the coffee table before inspecting his own nails nonchalantly. Kakashi frowned he wasn’t really in the mood for talking. He was looking forward to a quiet evening reading or watching a movie. He hadn’t been sleeping well lately and fatigue was starting to settle in after cooking, eating and cleaning for the past 2 hours.

“Nothing.” He answered simply, figuring the best way to avoid the heart to heart was to play it off as him being fine. He knew this wouldn’t work with Tenzo, but it was worth a try.

“I saw you thinking hard over there.” Tenzo whispered, gently trying to broach the subject as he gestured towards the kitchen with his head. Kakashi scoffed lightly, folding his arms in a defensive manner before answering.

“Just thinking about how lazy you are.” He joked, trying his best to dispel the situation with a jab. Tenzo cocked his head in an exasperated manner that screamed ‘really?’ 

“It was your turn.” He replied flatly, folding his own arms and sitting back; refusing to get drawn in to an argument. He was sure Kakashi was only kidding, as was he. But he had been feeling guilty lately for allowing Kakashi to do so much for him. He hadn’t cooked in weeks and they were both aware of it. He couldn’t help feeling a little defensive at the mention.

“It’s fine.” Kakashi assured, feeling a sudden and unexplained tension fill the space between them before he spoke. “I don’t mind.” He added in an effort to make Tenzo understand just how unimportant the matter was. “I’d do anything to keep you around.” He admitted softly, looking down at his lap and wondering where those words had manifested from.

“Kakashi…” Tenzo said slowly, his eyes downcast as he uncrossed his arms and assumed a more open posture. “Is that why you’ve been doing everything for me without question lately?” He asked, his throat dry as he awaited the answer. Kakashi shook his head in response, the lie clear without him having to speak a word. There was a small silence before he finally spoke, looking up at Tenzo with large, lazy eyes filled to the brim with nothing but adoration.

“You’ve been through so much. I just want you to be comfortable while you recover.” He explained, picking aggressively at a loose thread on a couch cushion next to him in an effort to take himself out of the situation.

Tenzo’s brows knitted as he tried to make sense of the other man’s words. Physically he had been recovered for a few weeks now. He didn’t need anyone to help him do anything anymore.

_He must be speaking mentally…_

He decided, moving slowly closer and placing a gentle hand on his lover’s leg.

“I appreciate it.” He started, pausing while he thought of the right words. “But I’m not going to leave you if you ask me to do the cleaning once in a while.” He smiled, a soft chuckle escaping at the absurdity of Kakashi’s fears. The other man looked at him curiously, one eye brow cocked and the other knitted in a half frown.

“That’s not what I meant.” He said bluntly. Leaving a baffled Tenzo to try and figure out his cryptic clues. 

Kakashi went back to staring at his own legs, wishing someone would save him from this uncomfortable situation. His strange plea had hit on deaf ears and he didn’t feel much like explaining himself. He was far too exhausted.

“You’re talking about me returning to duty.” Tenzo said aloud as he realised it. Kakashi stayed silent, answering the question with his lack of response. “I have to go back.” The brunette argued. “They need active Shinobi, there are others that suffered far greater than me and need the time off more than I do. Take Guy for example…”

“Don’t bring him in to this.” Kakashi interjected, his voice firm at the mention of his friend.

“But it’s true.” Tenzo justified, shrugging his arms as he continued speaking. “He probably won’t be able to work again and I can. He needs the rest, I need to work.”

“Stop it.” Kakashi snapped, looking up at his lover, fierce eyes brimming with tears. “Stop reminding me.” He said shakily, glaring through the wetness at his partner’s stunned expression. He hadn’t seen Kakashi cry voluntarily since the war. He had wiped stray tears in the dead of night but he had not held him to calm sobs of anguish in a long time. He had wondered if the other man had been hiding it, or just holding in all the pain until one day he inevitably snapped. He feared that today may be this day.

“Kakashi…” He said slowly, unsure why Guy was a sore subject. “I’m sorry, I just meant there are people that suffered more than I did…”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Kakashi asked incredulously. “I was there. I saw the suffering first hand. I caused it; and I couldn’t protect any of them from it. Not you or Guy or anyone else!” He shouted, his arm trembling as he pointed towards the brunette. “It’s _my_ fault that Guy can’t walk anymore.” He said shakily. “It’s _my_ fault.” He repeated, taking in a stuttered breath as Tenzo moved to sit right in front of him.

“I can’t lose you Tenzo.” Kakashi whispered, his hands coming up to hold the other man’s face. “I can’t lose you again.” He said, barely more than a whisper as Tenzo watched his tears finally spill over.

“You’re not losing me.” Tenzo assured him softly, his palms covering Kakashi’s pale hands and bringing them to his own waist. He rested them there lightly before moving forward and enveloping the older man in a hug. Kakashi relented, hunching over and allowing his head to be pillowed by Tenzo’s strong chest.

“It’s not your fault.” He whispered, a hand running soothingly through dirty silver hair while the other ran small circles over his back. Kakashi squirmed uncomfortably at the statement.

“If I hadn’t of killed Ri…”

“Stop.” Tenzo ordered, using his best Captain voice to cut Kakashi off. He felt the other man tense briefly before relaxing again in to the embrace and waiting for his lover’s argument. “Regardless of what happened in your past… This war was not your fault. Madara had no qualms with you. If not Obito he would have prayed on another Uchiha. Surely Obito was not the only one to have lost someone dear to him. There would have been others…” He paused. “Obito was delusional.” Tenzo finished, making Kakashi jump. He pushed the brunette away roughly and sat up, staring at him as though he had said the sky was pink.

“Don’t you speak about things you don’t understand.” Kakashi growled, bringing the back of his hand up to wipe his face.

“I do understand.” Tenzo countered. Guy had told him everything once they had recovered enough to visit. Tenzo was desperate to know what had gone on during the war. He had heard whispers of Obito’s name but Kakashi had been yet to mention it. As it turned out, Guy had been fighting to see him for quite a while, feeling the need to explain everything before Kakashi had the chance to tell Tenzo the facts from his own equally delusional point of view.

Guy had explained what had transpired, leaving no aspect to the imagination. Every abusive word that Obito had uttered towards Kakashi had been expressed through Guy’s tearful eyes. He had spared no detail in the hopes that Tenzo would be prepared for when Kakashi opened up about the subject. However it seemed that he had forgotten to take in to account Kakashi’s ever present hero worship.

“You don’t! He was a hero!” Kakashi snapped. “He wanted to be Hokage and he should be. He should be here right now, taking that seat, not me!” He yelled, his breathing fast as his tears began anew. “I should have died, not him. He deserved to live, I don’t.” Kakashi stated as though it was absolute fact. Tenzo watched him sadly, his expression one of a man that had been defeated.

“Okay.” The younger man said steadily, reaching out very slowly to take a hold of Kakashi’s accusing hand. Once more he pulled it down, this time leaving it to sit in his lap as he rubbed his thumb over the palm in a calming motion. “Obito was a hero.” Tenzo conceded. Kakashi obviously was not ready to see Obito’s actions as abusive. Months later he was still reeling from the shock of him being alive. He supposed the healing wouldn’t be able to begin until at least after he had accepted that fact. For now he needed to hold on to the Obito he remembered him as. The Obito he wished he was rather than the Obito he turned out to be. Tenzo could understand that.

“He was.” Kakashi agreed, looking sceptically towards his lover and wondering what had triggered his change of heart. Tenzo pulled him close once more; he didn’t resist. He would work on changing Kakashi’s view over time. It was not his goal to change his perception of Obito per se, but to at least change how he perceived himself. All those lonely years spent thinking he was trash for failing to protect Rin only to have those feelings validated by someone he had been mourning for 2 decades. Kakashi had done all he could to protect Rin. To protect his comrades during the war and to protect him when he had been captured. It was delusional to think he could have prevented or stopped any of these things at all. But Obito had made him believe that all of these things along with all of the shortcomings of the Shinobi world was his fault. He needed to realise how untrue all of this was. That he himself is a hero that should be worshipped and is worthy of becoming Hokage even if he is slightly mentally unstable.

“You’ve been keeping a lot from me haven’t you?” Tenzo asked quietly, his breath ruffling Kakashi’s hair. The other man stilled before nodding slightly. “Why?” The brunette asked casually, not really expecting an answer. Kakashi shrugged, unable to form words. He sniffed, softly nuzzling his nose harder in to the other man’s sternum.

The silence stretched between them long, yet oddly peaceful. Tenzo shifted slightly to rest his back on the seat of the couch, moving Kakashi with him as he went so that he was lying firmly on his chest. The silver haired man let himself be manoeuvred however was comfortable for his partner. It had been a long time since he had sought his comfort, not wanting to burden the other man with his problems during his own mental recovery.

“You have a lot going on.” Kakashi finally answered, startling the brunette as it had been at least 5 minutes since he asked the question. Tenzo nodded, knowing Kakashi could see him from the corner of his eye.

“That doesn’t matter to me.” Tenzo said softly, his hand moving to stroke lightly over his partner’s cheek. “You’ve had more going on in your lifetime than I could ever fathom. It would be incredibly selfish of me to assume my own experience during the war was worse than yours.” He whispered.

Kakashi stared across the room, not really focused on anything in particular.

“You were tortured.” He said quietly, his hand fisting in the other man’s shirt.

“So were you.” Tenzo countered, leaving the rest of his thought unsaid. He knew Kakashi was smart enough to catch his meaning. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to hold things back from me for my own sake.” Tenzo continued. “I need you to know this is a safe place and you can tell me anything.” He explained, hands now running slowly over Kakashi’s back and side, lulling him in to a sense of security.

“I know.” Kakashi mumbled, his thoughts losing traction as he leant in to Tenzo’s soothing touch. Another silence enveloped them as he enjoyed the sensation of feeling safe and secure in the other man’s arms.

“You know after experiencing how you’ve lived your life for the last 20ish years I feel like I have more of an understanding of who you are and why.” Tenzo remarked, looking down to meet Kakashi’s eye and snickering to himself when he realised the other man was asleep. It hadn’t taken long.

He hadn’t slept right in months now. Always awake, always waiting for an attack, always protecting. When sleep did grace him with its presence he was never asleep for long, always waking up in cold sweat or tears.

_It’s his turn now…_

Tenzo thought to himself, petting lightly along the other man’s spine. He had worked so hard in the last few months to make sure Tenzo’s own recovery was smooth and it had been worth his effort. He was finding himself waking to nightmares less and less. His paranoia was almost completely gone due to Kakashi’s vigilance and the general negative feelings he had been experiencing since the war had subsided in to acceptance of those events.

He had healed fast and well. It was Kakashi’s turn to be taken care of now. He would do everything in his power to make sure that he recovered from his ordeal and felt fit enough to take to the Hokage chair before Tsunade imploded from impatience. Even if that meant not returning to active duty for another couple of months.

“I’d do anything to keep you around.” Tenzo whispered, repeating his lover’s sentiment from earlier as his hand ran slowly over the barely there, obviously medically healed scars on his lover’s wrists.

**Author's Note:**

> Anyone waiting for Chisel I'm so sorry I'm blocked so hard on finished it. Writing random prompts is helping though! Have an idea and want me to write it? Contact me at Yakashi-Lover.tumblr.com :)


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